Kroktrainer's Stories

This is possibly one of the most disturbing things I ever have, and ever will post. I didn't actually write it of course, Affy the kumquat emailed it to me. I just added in a few sentences here and there, like the one at the end. I promised him not to tamper with it a whole lot, so there are a few necessary details that were not included in the story. They are as follows: Affy is incredibly intelligent for his age. Most one-year-old kumquats have about the same intelligence as a one-year-old human...Kumquats almost always learn to fly when they are about one year old, just like humans learn to walk.... ..Affy thinks with a lesser vocabulary then he talks with, I don't know why, neither does he....Loten is about fifteen, and his mind isn't exceedingly deluded. Affy, however, disagrees with about that...Also, you might notice some spelling or grammar mistakes in the story, Affy isn't very good a typing just yet. By the way, I'm sorry about my posts being so long. I'm trying to write them a little shorter.

Affy Kumquat

Kumquat Dreams

Affy the kumquat was a little less then twelve months old. He was standing on the very edge of the highest branch he could get to with the teleporter he had built. He was trying to teach himself to fly. Affy had only just been able to slip away from his parents while they were distracted. Then, he had found the tallest tree in the most unused part of the forest he could get to. Now, Affy stood at the very edge of the tallest branch. His small wings were outspread, his fists were clenched, and his flippers were pointed. Affy closed his eyes and jumped. He flapped his wings frantically, but to no avail. He fell like a rock and hit the ground hard. Everything went black and feathery.

When Affy woke up, he was lying on a soft pile of leaves. He heard the bubbling of a stream nearby. "I didn't know streams bubbled," he thought, "I thought only brooks bubbled!" Affy leapt up and approached the stream; the water was lilac. "I think maybe I shouldn't drink this water," Affy thought. Instead, he turned to inspect the forest. It wasn't his home forest. Everything was subtly different. The fish, for example, were slowly swimming through the trees. Everything was covered with clouds of orange mist. Affy hopped off into the forest in search of safe, tasty, normally colored food.

He noticed more and more the many oddities of the forest as he traveled through it. Dandelions glided by him and turnips shot past in little clusters. "I must be dreaming," Affy thought. Trees waved ominously and sometimes changed shape. Blades of grass twisted together and stretched oddly. "No, my mind would never create a dream this bazaar. I must be in someone else's dream!" Affy thought to himself. "I wonder whose."Affy wasn't surprised when the mist parted and Loten, another kumquat in the colony, hopped towards him.

Loten was staring absently into space and tracing shapes in the air. When he saw Affy, he gasped.

"What are you doing here?"

"My observations indicate that I am presently asleep"

"You're asleep?"

"In what other way would it be possible for me to be dreaming?"

"You're not dreaming, I am"

"Then this dream, in which we are both currently engaged, is being generated by your consciousness?"

"Yes"

"In that case it is natural to conclude by observing this area that your mind is exceedingly deluded"

"Whatever, how did you get into my dream?"

"I am not at present aware of how I came be inhabiting your dream. I merely fell out of an unfortunately high tree and when I landed, I was knocked unconscious. When I awoke, I discovered myself to be in this most peculiar of places"

"When you awoke? I thought you said you were asleep"

"I am"

"You aren't making any sense, just get out of my dream"

"I will most certainly endeavor to..."

"STOP TALKING! Just get out!" Affy nodded and turned back the way he had come. Loten glared after him.

Affy hopped along wondering how he would find his way back into reality, or at least into some normal person's mind. "I suppose I'll have to find some sort of magical portal or something to get out of here," he thought. Surprisingly enough, or maybe not so surprisingly considering the situation, a magic portal conveniently appeared in a nearby tree. It looked like a large, glowing, blue, disk. Affy hopped through it, and was very happy to find himself back home. Except, it wasn't quite the same as it usually was, there were still flying goldfish. An octopus somersaulted lazily past. "This is just too weird!" Affy thought. I agreed with him, it was just too weird, so I'm not going to write about it....Ha Ha

          I was told this story, like so many others, by Ketzy. Here are a few things you might like to know before reading it...September is a huge, long furred, mostly white cat. His favorite food is cheese, and his eyes glow red whenever he eats it. This probably shows his demonic ancestry...Bill has dirty blond fur. He often suffers from nervous breakdowns, especially around Ketzy. Bill has now been demoted to tuna fetcher. This position is of much lower rank then that of head scientist, but he gets free tuna and he likes the stress free environment...The feenet can access the internet, but also contains websites that are for use by cats only. These websites can only be used through the feenet, not the internet...The tuna generator is a machine that produces an endless supply of tuna. It has been sold and distributed on all nine planets, making the Feline Defense Department in New York City incredibly rich...I hope you enjoy this story, the colorful fonts, the smily faces, the interesting spellings, and please post comments.  

Computer Problems

          It was an important day for the Feline Defense Department in New York City. Today was the day that their new tuna generator would go out on the market for the first time. Ketzy had never been so excited. She paced back and forth, going over the departments marketing scheme in her mind. They would be doing all their business transactions over the completely computerized communication network of feline defense and comfort, also called the feenet, which was a remarkably similar invention to the internet used by humans. The tuna generators would be sold to cats all over the world, and the sails would start in just half an hour. Ketzy thought over the plan repeatedly, "Our plan is perfect," she thought to herself. "Nothing can possibly go wrong."

          But as always when a character in any story says or thinks those ominous words, something does goes very wrong. This was no exception. Bill, the head scientist, rushed into Ketzy's office                                                            

     "We have a problem, the main computer is down! I repeat; the main computer down!" Ketzy froze with horror.   

     "What!" she cried with greatest dismay. "I must see this for myself!" Ketzy leapt down from her desk, pushed Bill out of her way, and padded down the hall to the main computer room. All of the computers in the Feline Defense Department were linked by way of the main computer. If any one computer had a problem the rest would usually remain undamaged, but if there was something wrong with the main computer, it affected all the other ones. When Ketzy entered the room, she saw in horror that the main computer's screen was blank. It wasn't supposed to be blank; Ketzy knew that much.

     "Go fetch September," she ordered Bill. September was the head computer technician. "You have fifteen minutes; if you take any longer I'll demote you!" Bill nodded and raced out of the room. As he left Ketzy called after him, "Don't forget to check the storage room." Bill didn't hear her.                  

                   Bill bolted through the hall until he reached September's office; he looked inside. No September, and thirteen minutes left. He ran as fast as he could to the computer research lab, still no September, eleven minutes left. Bill checked the coatroom, the training center, the cafeteria, the science lab, the library, and everywhere in between, No September, one minute left. Panic stricken, Bill dashed back to the main computer room to find Ketzy awaiting his arrival impatiently.

         "Well?" she asked.

         "I checked everywhere! gasped Bill. "I checked all the offices, and all the hallways, and most of the labs! He can't possible be in the building!" Bill's yellow fur was standing on end; his eyes were rolling in their sockets. One of his ears was laid back against his head, the other one was pointing off at a weird angle. Ketzy looked mildly startled.

         "He wasn't in the storage room?" she asked incredulously. Bill was confused.

         "Of course I never checked the storage room, why would he be in there?" he asked.

         "Because there's cheese in the storage room you dimwit!" cried Ketzy. "Now go see if he's in there, and you have five minutes!" Bill was gone again in a flash.

                   Sure enough, when Bill came careening into the storage room ninety seconds later he saw September with his head inside a fifty pound crate of cheddar cheese that had just been delivered. His eyes were glowing a peculiar shade of red. By this time Bill, who had always been twitchy, was in hysterics. He crashed into a pile of boxes, and began ranting unintelligibly. September took one good look at him and slipped out through his secret entrance, wondering what had happened. He padded through the Department to the main computer room, which was a quite place and good for napping in.

                   To is surprise he found Ketzy waiting for him.

         "The computers aren't working! We have ten minutes before the tuna generators go out on the market and all computers are down!" she cried. September looked at her with great bemusement. Then he looked at the computer. Then he looked back at her.

        "You have to hit the 'ON' button," he said. Then he curled up and went to sleep. Ketzy snarled, and then she pressed the 'ON' button with a flourish. She waited...the screen remained blank. Nothing happened.

         "September!" she shouted at him.

         "Plug it in first," he answered her.

          This story is, in my opinion, particularly good. Unfortunately, it is also twice as long as I would have liked.:( Whatever, it is still good. Emolzadockulayah and I have been close friends for a long time; she invented a computer in her world a few weeks after we met. She lives in a different universe now; it is called Numulrue. She works for the president there. One thing you should know before reading this story, her bedroom is in an alternate dimension linked to her dorm room, with explains the huge amount of space.:P You should know that the giant pickle I brought home is still sitting in my bedroom, in lamp form.::) Emolzadockulayah was serious abut changing everything to neon green, even her hair for a while. There will probably be more posts concerning her. I have to ask her permission first, and she insists on proofreading anything with her name in it. She is at acting school now, on Numulrue.:| By the way, I hope you enjoy the font colors.             

Jenny Lenvozz

How I Met Emolzadockulayah

          It was a chilly night in Kaarndex, Maller. I looked around the dark streets, how I wished Neptune had streetlights like Pluto, Earth, Saturn, or, Mars! Why was it that only those four planets had lights, and not the other five? To this very day, I still have no idea. I was standing on a street corner near a four-way intersection that, during the day, was crowded with hover cars. On Neptune though, no one drives at night. I was waiting for Ketzy; she had said to meet her here half an hour ago. She hadn't showed up just yet, probably gorging on tuna at the Feline Defense Department. Suddenly there was a flash of light, and I was standing in large but cluttered bedroom.

          Books, coffee cups, complex diagrams, and funny looking tools were scattered everywhere. There were several couches, desks, chairs, cushions, and a bed also in no particular order. Judging by the large number of orange objects in the room, the owner had no taste in color. Oddly enough though, the room appeared to be empty. Then there was a crash, a lamp fell off a table and dissolved into a cloud of smoke. The cloud twisted and shifted shape ominously. It began to take the shape of something large, green, and slimy. It looked suspiciously like a giant pickle or something. A burst of maniacal laughter came suddenly from directly behind me. I turned around and saw...a coffee table!

          "Oh great," I thought. "I've been teleported by some unknown messy person who has no taste in color into a bedroom full of giant pickles disguised as lamps and maniacal coffee tables...again!" Just then however, a girl a little younger than me, (I was nine then,) appeared standing on the coffee table. She had blood red hair, light green eyes, and a startlingly pale complexion. She was holding a golden ring in one hand.

     "How did you appear like that?" I asked her. I had never seen a teleporting device that didn't cause a flash of brightly colored light. She grinned.

     "Have you ever read 'The Lord of the Rings'?" she asked. I happened to have just finished it. 

     "Yes, I've read it."

     "Well, me too, didn't you think that the one ring was really cool?"

     "Er, sort of," I said doubtfully. In the book, the one ring was sentient and incredibly evil.

     "Yeah, I though it was really cool also, so I invented one for myself!"

     "What!" I cried in disbelief. She held out the golden ring.

     "I made it out of Abec'Def Jell, so it changes size to fit the wearer's finger. It's also heatproof, lava proof, and waterproof. I'm trying to invent something to make it a little more sentient, more like the original in the book," she explained all this with joyful enthusiasm.  

     "Aren't you worried about it turning evil and trying to possess your soul?" I asked her.

     "I'm hoping its standard of quality for the souls it would want to possess would be a little higher than that," she replied reproachfully.

     "You're probably right," I agreed. "By the way, why did you teleport me here?" I was rather curious to know the answer.

     "It's a long story," she said.

          As it turned out, it wasn't a very long story at all. She had just invented an intergalactic teleportation device and had picked someone at random to test it on. It took her a very long time to tell me that though, she felt it necessary to give an in-detail, step-be-step account of how she had used her incredible intelligence to invent the teleporter, and several other things. She told me we were in her school dorm room in a galaxy called Tredmif.

          We made ourselves coffee, and she found several packs of cookies, so we had dinner. The girl told me she was an inventor, and that she wanted to be an actor. I told her how my parents were the heads of the Royal Marsian Palace Management Guild on Mars. After that I advised her on the horrors of orange, she took me very seriously and promised to change everything over to neon green. I had been there about and hour and a half before I realized that I had to be getting home. She said she could teleport me back to Neptune, and asked if I could take a giant pickle monster-which could be turned into a lamp at any time-with me. I agreed.

     "Oh one more thing," I said just as she was about to press the button on her orange teleporter. "What's your name?" I asked. She winced,

     "Emolzadockulayah, what's yours?"

     "Jenny Lenvozz. Umm...how do you pronounce you name?"

     "Em-ol-zad-ock-you-lie-ah, it was computer generated. I guess computers can pronounce things better then humans," she sighed.

     "It's a nice name, impressive," I said

     "I'm glad you think so, most people just look confused when they hear it."

     "Well, some people are easy to confuse. Do you have email here?"

     "What's email?" she asked. I explained the internet and email to her.

     "No, there aren't even computers here. I'll invent them."

     "Okay, bye!"

     "Bye!" she pressed the teleporter button. There was a flash of light and I was back on Neptune.

          It was still dark, but it had started to drizzle. I was about to start off home when I saw Ketzy hurrying towards me.

     "There was a major crisis at the Feline Defense Department! We found seven crates of unclaimed tuna, so I had to stay late to eat all seven crates. Only, I wound up only getting two crates in the end. Others stayed late to help...where did you get that hideous orange lamp?"

     "Oh, it's really a pickle monster from a different universe," I answered. Ketzy gave me a startled look.

     "And I thought Curly had problems," she muttered to herself. We walked back to our hotel, but I couldn't help but wonder, how many pounds of tune per crate?