KrokTrainer
Alice the Pink Raccoon
Alice the raccoon crouched low on her damp stone perch. She measured the distance between her and her target. It was a long way off, but not too far. She readied herself for the pounce. Her tail twitched, her ears lay flat against her head. Alice sprung into the air, easily passing over the wet ground and landing expertly on another rock a few feet farther down the trail. She crouched down again and searched the area ahead of her for her next target. It would take longer to get home this way, but if she walked on the forest floor, her paws would get mud on them. Not just regular mud either, ever since the rainstorm the night before the ground had been covered inches deep with thick, cold, slimy, mud that clung to Alice's pink fur. (It was not naturally pink; she dyed it.) She spotted a suitably clean stone a few feet ahead of her and easily leapt the distance.
"Hey Alice!"
"Alice!"
"Wait up, Alice!" she didn't bother to turn around. She didn't need to. Running down the trail towards her were three younger raccoons. Their fur was pointing up at odd angles. Their eyes were wide with boundless excitement, at nothing. In Alice's opinion, their IQ was probably a negative number. Her younger brothers Quale, Peter, and Card bounded gleefully through the mud. They stopped as they came even with her.
"Why are you up on that rock?"
"What are you doing up there?"
"Why are you standing on a rock?" they demanded more or less simultaneously. Alice continued her way along the trail.
"I'm keeping my paws clean," she said snootily. They scrabbled to keep up with her.
"Why?"
"That's weird."
"Yeah, why?" they shouted. She rolled her eyes. A warm breeze stirred the humid air, blowing her carefully tended fur out of place. She stopped to pat it back into position before going on. Every morning she washed her fur with shampoo and conditioner, then blow dried it and rubbed in sparkles. After that, she repainted her claws and applied her make-up. Once a month, she touched up her pink dye job.
"Are you going somewhere?"
"Where are you going?"
"I'm bored."
"I'm hungry."
"I'm more hungry!"
"Are not!"
"Is too!"
"Look, I caught a bug!"
"You're a bug," her brothers babbled aimlessly, but enthusiastically, as they scurried along besides her.
Alice hopped onto a stone in the center of a small clearing. She took one final leap into the entranceway of her home. It appeared to any casual observer as a rough tunnel dug into a hillside. Her brothers continued on without her. At first, Alice trotted daintily down the slope, careful not to dirty her paws on the dirt floor. It was cool and damp. The tunnel twisted, turned, and branched out. The first few yards were dark, but after that, the way was lit up with techno colored floodlights, (the techno colors were Alice's idea.) The dirt ended and a well-polished mahogany floor began, covered by a plush red carpet; the walls were covered with dazzlingly colorful wallpaper. Alice navigated the winding passageway with familiar ease, at last arriving at a green painted door made of some unknown material. The door was hinged by the ceiling and had a latch near ground level, on account of its being designed by raccoons. She walked in. The feeling hit her as soon as she crossed the threshold - something was very, very wrong.
"Fluffle!" she cried. Alice bolted across the living room so fast she appeared to be nothing but a flying pink blur. She raced down a twisting flight of steps, and along the downstairs hallway of her home until she came to the door of her older brother Dill's room. There was a sucking sound coming from inside his room.
"Dill!" Alice shouted. There was no response. She pushed open his door.
"Oh, fluffle!" she moaned. In the middle of Dill's bedroom floor was a gaping black hole. It worked like a vacuum, pulling everything towards it. The shadowy pit was about four feet across and growing slowly. All the furniture from Dill's room had vanished into it, along with the separating walls between his and Alice's room. Fear welled up inside of her. She stared in horror as the vacuum reached into her room. She made a desperate leap to save it, but before she could get there, the gaping void devoured her most prized possession. In an instant, it was gone. Her newest French nail polish, custom made especially for her, and practically impossible to replace. Gone. She could not accept it. With one graceful bound Alice plummeted into the bottomless chasm.
"When I find Dill, I am so going to kill him!" she said to her self just as the hole snapped shut behind her, "Why does he always have to open up these black holes right next to my bedroom!"
She felt no sensation of falling. She felt no sensation of anything at all. As soon as she fell below the surface of the hole, everything went very dark. Completely and totally dark. Luckily, all raccoons have fully functional light bulbs behind her eyes; they ate plenty of batteries to power them. But, even with them turned on, all Alice saw were two beams of light right ahead of her. There was nothing else. The tunnels had no walls. No top. No bottom.
"This is totally boring," she said.
"Yeah, I noticed that to," said Dill. Alice jumped.
"Fluffle!" she yelped in surprise.
"How do you do that?" asked Dill
"Where are you?" asked Alice
"It's really cool, you've got to show me how to do that," said Dill
"Do what!
"Jump while you're floating. I thought it was impossible because there's nothing to brace your feet against."
"We're not floating anymore you horrible little raccoon!"
"Hey, you're too a raccoon!"
"Yes, but I'm clever and totally gorgeous, not like you."
"How did you get here anyway?" asked Dill
"You're, like, changing the topic."
"Just answer my question."
"Not until you tell me where you are!" Alice screeched at him. Her fur on end and her eyes were glowing lilac.
"I'm right behind you Alice," said Dill. Alice turned around. Dill was sitting there looking like a furry, grey, three-eyed lump, but he looked like that all the time.
"Dill! I am so going to kill you! I am going to knock you unconscious with my blue designer hairbrush I got from Hawaii last summer..."
"But I bought you that hair brush!" Dill interrupted her in an injured voice. Alice ignored him.
"...and then I will flatten your nose with my sparkly fur iron that I ordered over the internet three weeks ago..."
"You ordered it using my computer!"
"...then I will cut your head off with my claw sharpener and feed you to my pet poodle!"
"You don't have a pet poodle!"
"I'll get one!"
"How about I'll buy the poodle for you and you won't kill me with your cosmetic supplies," suggested Dill.
"Really? You'll buy me a poodle?" asked Alice. There was no trace of anger in her voice now...If Dill was going volunteer to buy her stuff he should definitely be left alive, at least until his money ran out.
"Sure, no problem!" said Dill eagerly.
"Oh, I'm so glad I decided to jump into that bottomless pit to save you!" said Alice joyfully. "Now, where is my nail polish?"
Alice looked around. The floor was covered in soft grayish sand. She and Dill's eyes only illuminated a small area; there were no walls or ceilings that they could see. The temperature was a little too warm for Alice's liking. She started walking with a swift purposeful step. It was eerily quiet, as if there was no one else in the entire world. "Well there might not be," thought Alice, "but that is assuming that this is a different world."
"Where are we going?" asked Dill.
"To find my nail polish, of course," she told him.
"How do you know it's this way?" he asked
"I can sense where my makeup is at all times," Alice explained, "it's a natural talent."
*****Later*****
"You know, this darkness is getting kind of oppressive," said Dill.
"Oh, that is so true!" moaned Alice. There was no way of telling time down here, (they had both forgotten their watches at home,) but she was sure they must have been walking for a while. The light bulbs behind her eyes had nearly burned out; she could only see the vague silhouette of her brother, but he looked a lot better in silhouette. The darkness was closing in steadily, black as Alice's eyeliner, and thick as Alice's Peruvian fur cream.
*****Much later*****
"My paws hurt," complained Dill to no one in particular, and no one at all for that matter. He lay alone on the sand in the darkness.
"It's quite boring just lying here with nothing to do," thought Dill. Alice had told him to wait there and then wandered off on her own. Dill had no idea why. He hadn't bothered to ask. Alice was still in a snit because of the nail polish, anyway. He rolled over onto his back and stuck all four paws up in the air; it was his favorite position for sleeping in.
*****Meanwhile*****
Alice was completely lost. She had left Dill whining about his paws and went on alone. She could hardly see a thing, only dim shapes. She thought she might be inside some sort of cave, but couldn't tell for sure. One thing she did know though, her precious nail polish was here somewhere. Alice stumbled on and tried not to run into anything. She was not successful. A wall seemed to appear out of nowhere and block her way. She walked into it and jumped back in alarm. There were low crunching noises and some scraping.
"Fluffle!" Alice screeched as she was hit with a wave of blinding light. Or maybe not so blinding, she thought as her eyes adjusted to it.
Alice looked around. She was in a huge cavern, with countless corridors leading off from it. The floors, walls, and ceilings were perfectly smooth. The ground was covered with pink sand. Everything was painted pink with flowers. As soon as she saw the room, Alice decided she liked whoever had built it. She looked at the wall she had just stumbled into; on it was painted in large letters 'PRESS TO ACTIVATE LIGHTS.' "This is SO totally cool," Alice thought to herself. Now all she had to find out was where her nail polish was, and how she could get back home. Oh, and she had to get Dill out too...unfortunately.
*****Meanwhile*****
Dill was asleep when the lights went on. He didn't wake up.
*****Meanwhile*****
Alice turned down the nearest hallway, it was at least forty feet wide and the ceiling was about sixty feet high. It went straight for five yards or so, then curved gradually to the right. The walls and ceilings were smooth as the surface of Alice's fur buffer. The floor was equally smooth but slanted up and down like waves. Everything was still mainly pink, but with smatterings of gold, violet, and sparkly silver paint as well. "All this place needs is a little more decoration on the walls, and it would be great!" thought Alice as she scurried down the passage. She turned the corner and came face to face with a tremendous pink wooden door. It loomed above her and looked very ominous. The door was hinged at the ceiling, like a raccoon door.
"Fluffle!" cried Alice, "this must be the home of giant raccoons!"
*****Meanwhile*****
Dill twitched and mumbled something in his sleep.
*****Meanwhile*****
It was not, in fact, the home of giant raccoons. On the other side of the door was another large, pink room. This one was full of pink cushions and a tremendous amount of cosmetic supplies. In the corner, on a cushion shaped like a pink flower, sat a petite, glittery, pink dragon named Roselyn. (She was not naturally pink; she dyed her scales.) Roselyn stretched luxuriously, and was about to curl up for a nap while the pink paint on her horns dried, when she became aware of a scratching sound at the door. She watched curiously as a sharp, red, claw like object poked it's way through the pink wooden door. It moved slowly, cutting a circle in the wood. Then it retracted its self. A moment later, the circle popped out, leaving an opening big enough for a raccoon to walk through. In fact, a raccoon did walk through.
Alice looked around and gave the room an approving nod. Then she saw Roselyn.
"Are you a giant raccoon?" asked Alice.
"No," said Roselyn. "Are you?"
"No, I'm not giant but I am a raccoon. I am the best raccoon in the whole world, in fact," said Alice proudly.
"Really, well I am the most gorgeous dragon in the world," said Roselyn. "My cousins tell me so all the time."
"Oh, that's very nice. I like your taste in color," said Alice, looking around at the surrounding pinkness.
"Thank you, I love your fur"
"You're welcome"
"If you don't mind me asking, what brings you here?" asked Roselyn curiously.
"I've come to find my nail polish, have you seen it?"
"Let me think...Oh, yes! Now I recall, it wandered in here a few hours ago. It looked so tired I didn't want to bother it. I'm not sure where it is now, probably sleeping somewhere. I could find it for you"
"Don't worry, I'll call it," said Alice. She cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "NAIL POLISH NUMBER 17, COME HERE THIS MINuTe!" she shouted. They waited in silence for a moment; then a small blue box crawled out from behind a barrel of scale polish and trotted over to Alice, blinking its eyes drowsily.
"Ah, there you are!" cried Alice. She hugged the box of French nail polish affectionately. She was suddenly overcome by an urge to repaint her claws.
"Roselyn, could I borrow some nail polish remover?" she asked.
"No problem, I have plenty. Just before you came I was painting my horns..." said Roselyn.
***Three hours later***
Dill woke up.
"Ooh, lights," he said to himself. He strolled into the cave and followed Alice's footprints on the sandy floor. When he came to the opening in the door, he stopped to listen.
"I love this fur fluffer, it works great! My fur looks at least three eighths of an inch longer now!" he heard Alice say.
"You can keep it, my cousin gave it to me as a present, but I've never been able to use it," said another voice. Dill moaned. Whoever the other critter was she sounded to him like a second Alice. Just what he needed.
"Why couldn't you use it?" asked Alice. Dill heard the sound of a motor turn on. He peaked around the hole in the door to see that it was Alice, sharpening her claws. It was a worrying sight.
"Well you see," said Roselyn, "I don't have any fur."
"I can imagine that would make fluffing it more difficult," Alice said understandingly. Dill wondered what sort of critter his sister was talking to, and hoped it wasn't another giraffe.
"By the way, how does one get out of this place," asked Alice.
"Finally," thought Dill, "she's getting around to asking something important."
"Well, you could leave through that hole you cut in the door," said Roselyn.
"Yes, but there isn't anything outside," Alice objected.
"Oh, I get it, you want to return to reality," said Roselyn.
"Don't tell me this is just a dream," said Alice. "I hate stories that end like that!" Dill smiled. He remembered reading 'Alice in Wonderland" to her when she was little. She had firmly insisted on having the book burned. She had also wanted to trademark the name Alice, to protect it from further misuse.
"No, this world exists, it just isn't real. Imaginary, sort of."
"That doesn't make sense!" thought Dill
"That doesn't make sense!" said Alice.
"Whatever, if you go through that door in the corner it takes you back home. My cousin had it installed last summer," said Roselyn.
"Finally!" said Dill.
"Fluffle! Stop eavesdropping Dill!" screeched Alice. Dill climbed lazily through the opening,
"Alright, if we don't go home now I'm going to hide all your eyeliner," he said grouchily. He'd been around much too much pink lately; it was getting him tired out.
"Sorry, I guess I have to go now," Alice apologized to Roselyn.
"Don't worry; I understand what it's like to have brothers. I had mine eaten by a three headed dinosaur"
"Totally, you have so got to call me." They exchanged cell phone numbers while Dill waited impatiently. Finally, Alice was ready to go. With a final wave, she and her brother stepped through the door and arrived quite suddenly in their living room.
*****Five minutes later*****
"Mom is going to be so mad," said Dill. They were standing in what used to be his room. The furniture was gone, and the wallpaper had been peeled off the walls. The dividing wall between his and Alice's room had collapsed, but luckily for Dill, only a couple of Alice's things had been sucked up by the vortex. The wall separating Dill's room from the hallway had been leaning at an odd angle, but some duct tape and string had fixed that, mostly.
"I say we pretend it didn't happen," said Dill.
"Better yet, let's blame the little ones," said Alice.
"Of course, it was Peter, Card, and Quail's fault!" They stood in silence for a moment, thinking over what had just happened.
"I guess this is the end of the story," said Dill
"Fluffle! With me as a character, how can the author possibly resist writing a sequel?" asked Alice.
"Yeah, but it's still the end," said Dill, and it was.
